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Marriage & Divorce

How to deal with a controlling spouse

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controlling spouse

 

Being with a controlling spouse can be very frustrating. Spouses who are controlling often insult, criticize and limit the activities of their partners. Depending on how the situation is, you may be able to work it out with your spouse so that you can save your marriage. Sometimes you might need help from a counselor too but If the behavior is very serious or does not begin to show some changes, even with counseling, you may need to consider the option of ending the relationship or marriage to save your sanity and independence.

However, before we can delve into how you can handle a controlling spouse, first of all, we should be sure we are dealing with one. That is, we should know that our partner is controlling. Here are some of the signs that can tell you that your spouse is controlling.

i. They will always remind you that there’s something you owe them: especially when you’re in a heated argument with them. They will tell you that if it’s not because of what they did or didn’t do, you wouldn’t be where you are today!
They want to make sure they keep under their subjection.

ii. They’ll feed you with criticism: A controlling spouse would want to control your whereabouts, the time you should leave the house or not. They also want to control who you associate with and what you tell them. They mostly tell you why they think their choices are more valid and when you try to obstruct them thru will feed you with criticism constantly: the way you talk with your friends, what you do with your friends, your job, the way your hair looks, etc. These criticisms might start small but they will increase as time goes. The Sooner you will start losing confidence and self-esteem.
iii. They make you appear guilty when you’ve done nothing wrong: A controlling person is often skillfully good at making you feel like you’re the one always doing wrong when in reality you have done nothing at all. Sometimes you might know that these accusations are completely false, but always hearing them from your spouse can be frustrating and can even make you question yourself.

iv. Always sending threats: The first time it happens can be very unsettling, even terrifying. When you don’t give in to what they are saying or refuse to play along with them, they become threatening. This is a sign of narcissism.

ALSO, READ EFFECTIVE WAYS TO CATCH A CHEATING SPOUSE

v. They’re attempting to isolate you from your loved ones:
The only way a controlling person can truly gain full control is when they separate you from the people whom you love and who love you too. This is one of the clearest signs of a controlling person and it’s also one of the most dangerous. Whatever happens, do not let anyone even if it’s your spouse separate you from the people who love especially your family and close friends. They are the ones you would run to whenever you need someone to talk to.

Now that we’ve known the sign of a controlling spouse, now we can move on to the ways you can handle a controlling partner.

1.Remain calm:

calm down

 For many of us, arguing and talking back is a natural response to a spouse’s controlling behavior. But the thing is, it is so very unlikely that the controlling spouse will listen to anything you have to say. So Instead of arguing, remain calm and quiet. You can also, for the sake of peace, agree that your partner’s point is good without actually doing exactly what he says.

2.Ask the controlling spouse to develop a solution: This means you might have to let your controlling spouse for a solution. You might tell him/her that there is a problem between the two of you and that he or she should provide a solution.

You should try to avoid words like “I have noticed that you are too controlling,” Instead you could say, “I feel you no longer trust my judgments on certain things, what do you think we should do about it because we are always having this argument on it.” Then allow him say his mind but if your spouse doesn’t see that there’s a problem, you may have to leave this option.

3.Do not defend yourself:

Whenever you two are in a heated argument, avoid getting defensive, don’t try to defend your choice or anything as this will only make him want to be violent or be more controlling in the future.

4.Be prepared for denial:

A controlling spouse often does not know that they are actually controlling. It may sound like a shock to you, but sometimes they think they are the ones being controlled here. So whenever you are trying to bring it up to their notice, try to be respectful as possible. If you want to save your marriage, then you have to approach this from the angle of empathy and not anger.

5.Seek counseling:

If your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge the controlling behavior, or you are both unable to remedy the situation, you may have to meet a professional counselor to help you and your spouse. Sometimes your controlling partner may benefit from learning what a controlling behavior is from an expert and how they can stop it.

6.Do not allow yourself to be isolated from your loved ones:
No matter what the controlling spouse does, never let them isolate you from the people you love. That’s very toxic.

7.Avoid internalizing criticism:

If your controlling spouse has repeatedly put you down, you may start to feel as though you did something to deserve that criticism. It’s important to remind and tell yourself that you deserve nothing less than the best, and never take a controlling spouse, criticism seriously, or personally.

8.Stay true to your beliefs:

Many controlling spouses dominate their partners by telling them what they should think or what values they should hold dear. If you have opinions and beliefs that differ from those of your spouse, it is important to stand up for your right to maintain them.

9.Be willing to walk away from an unhealthy relationship:

In some cases, controlling behavior can be corrected and mutual respect can take its place, but it’s important to know that this may not always happen. Often, a controlling individual will not be able to change, so you need to be willing to end the relationship if it is causing you harm. Certain behaviors need not be tolerated ever. If your spouse abuses you physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually, walking away is simply the best option.

Most of us would never imagine being with a controlling spouse but sometimes one might just end up with one. Sometimes it’s hard to know while on a lighter note, they may learn the behavior from someone else later.
Some may start taking the control slowly, while some others are so good they make you think that you’re the one who’s the flawed guy and that they’re helping to fix or support you.
If you think your partner might be controlling, it’s important to find a solution as quickly as possible to save your sanity and independence.

ALSO, READ How to deal with a nagging partner

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Marriage & Divorce

How To Stop Dating A Married Man

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how to stop dating a married man




This generation of ours has made every negative thing a norm and tends to forget the absurdness of it. For example, The negativity around depression has failed to be seen as people finding solace in it, speeding toxicity, another example can be seen in prostitution, where this is seen as a “Career” or a source of income. The world has failed to see the absurdness of this making women more objectified and this should not be. Another example is Dating married men, Women see this as a norm and a source of income for themselves, not thinking of the absurdness of this….They just do it without thinking!

When things like prostitution are made a norm there is a tendency that women would date married men. Some of them do this for reasons best known to them, while some of them do it because of preference, they just prefer married men.

Some of them don’t even know why they do it, they just feel like it’s the right thing to do and they just go for it. Some of them do it to spite the wife in the marriage for one misunderstanding or the other, Some of the.do it because it was spiritually inclined into them.

But, This doesn’t mean that some of them are not tired of it, especially those ones who don’t know why they do it and feel ashamed about it, they want to stop but they don’t know how to, they have tried what they thought was right but still had the same results, and I know that you reading this right now might be one of them.

Ways to Stop Dating A Married Man

1: Acknowledge that it’s a problem

Until you see the absurdness of this you would not be able to make the decision of stopping it. Until you see why it is wrong and should not be done at all, there is every tendency that you might not make the choice of stopping. So firstly think about the absurdness, acknowledge that is wrong, and work towards your stopping it.

2: Put God first

When you acknowledge that it’s a problem, run back to the place of prayer and let God take over, sometimes spirituality is involved. Daily reading and meditating on the bible tends to change your perspective about life making you see more of the absurdness of Dating A Married Man.

ALSO, READ 18+ Proven Signs A Married Man is Unhappy in His Marriage

3: Set your priorities right:

It is said that some of them that do it and want to stop but can’t stop is because of the income they make from it, the comfort it brings and the solace added, making it their top priority. This is the excuse they have. But after acknowledging that it’s a problem and putting God first, set your priorities right.

Be independent, withdraw from that relationship, and start a life of your own, where you don’t have to rely on a man or a married man for your well-being, Establish yourself. This is one of the ways a strong woman is built, she starts by setting her priorities right.

Ways you can set your priorities right include

A: Believe in yourself:

Many women think or feel that they cannot do anything without the help of a man or a man who already knows how to take care of a woman because of his experience in marriage. But facing the fact that it is wrong and telling yourself you can do better than that, you can become who you want to become without giving yourself to a married man.

B: Do a reality check:

Look things logically, a married man would only see you as mistress and nothing more, he wouldn’t have time for you, he’d always come only when he feels like, you’re not being loved but being used. You’re not in a relationship that would lead to a happy married life, you’re just eating What you  did not cook, and what you fail to understand is the bitterness of the after taste, you’re in a relationship where you’re at the mercy of whatever he brings, whether it works for you or not.

He’s not going to meet your parents because you don’t expect him to leave his wife because of you, and if he was going to marry you, think about how his kids would feel, they would hate you for stealing their mom’s lover, can you deal with that?  Would your loved ones approve of it, ask yourself these questions.

Doing a reality check makes you come to a realization of these things.

C: Tell the wife:

This basically frees you from the guilt. Your freedom is what matters, telling the wife doesn’t make you a coward, or show your sense of irresponsibility, it only shows your level of good reasoning and good you have come to the realization of the absurdness of it. When you te the wife you are free.

D: Break up with him:

This is the point where you make that decision to cut ties and don’t go back. This is the point where your realization comes into reality. Then you can become independent.

4: Do a daily Mind exercise:

Dating Married men can be traced psychologically, as it becomes a mindset that has been embedded into you by experience, doing mind exercises can completely eradicate the thoughts of your mind. Close your eyes for ten to fifteen seconds, imagine yourself coming out of that situation or that mindset and keep working towards it by the first three things listed above.

5: Change your hobbies:

This might seem funny, but every little thing matters. Most women date married men because of their love for luxury and material things, they want everything on a platter of gold, their love for money would always cloud their mindset, and the fact that they always get it would set their hobbies to doing things that are luxury worthy. For example, Shopping every single day, reckless spending of money on things that don’t matter, etc. Therefore making these things their favorite thing to do.

So changing your hobbies to little things and finding your talent improves your probability of not dating Married men.  When you work for some things yourself and do some things by yourself without the help of anyone, you’d actually know what you actually like and what you don’t.

6: Seek Counsel:

After doing everything listed above, seeking advice from a good adult would do a great deal of detaching yourself from Dating a Married Man. A counselor would always tell the truth and give you the next line of action.

Conclusion

How to stop Dating A Married Man is a choice you have to make, a choice that has to come from the realization of the absurdness, setting your priorities right, changing your hobbies, doing a little mental exercise, and seeking good counsel. With these well done, dating a married man would not even be a thought in your mind not to talk of an act!

ALSO, READ SIGNS HE WANTS TO GET YOU IN BED






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Marriage & Divorce

10 Signs You’re Ready to Get Married

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signs you're ready to get married




Description: One of the things many people fear is getting into marriage for the wrong reasons. Before you consider the idea, ensure you’re prepared to handle the responsibilities that come with marriage. Here are ten signs you’re ready for marriage.

How do you know if you are ready to get married? (10 Signs)

Because of the excitement of meeting a person you love, you might feel ready for marriage after the first date. Knowing you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is an incredible feeling. But no matter how you feel, marriage is not something you should take lightly. Marriage requires a lot of work, compromise, and sacrifice to maintain the relationship. Anyone craving companionship must have a few things figured out before saying “I do.” While you can borrow from installment loan lenders for your wedding, it’s something you must think about critically.

Before committing, do some soul soul-searching to know who you are and what you want. Understand the things you can give your prospective spouse and what you expect from them. Being ready for marriage means you have figured out what you want in life and are prepared to be in a relationship where you contribute and compromise. Here are signs that will help you know you’re ready for married life.

1. You’re Psychologically Mature

Some people will realize they’re not ready for marriage after 5 years of dating, and this is okay. Just because you have been out there for a long time does not qualify you to get married. Maturity is an essential component that will keep your marriage going strong amid all the turbulence. There is no best age for marriage, and you should never fall for the pressure to get married because you’re approaching a certain age. However, there’s an optimum level of maturity that shows you’re emotionally ready for marriage.

Experts say that the brain does not reach peak development until the age of 27, especially the part of the brain linked with one’s ability to review long-term consequences and also compare options. Until you have a fully working brain able to assess situations correctly, you should not get married. This is a ready-for-marriage checklist you must complete as it influences your choice of mate and ultimately determines if you’ll have a successful relationship.

2.You Love Yourself

ENSURE YOU LOVE YOURSELF

Knowing you’re ready for marriage after divorce can be confusing, as some people want to fill the void created by prior events. However, this is the time you should trackback and exercise self-love for healing. When you truly love yourself, you will easily give selfless love to others. The way you love yourself is how you teach other people to love you. Focusing on self-love before you get married is crucial as it helps you set standards that no person can undermine. Having respect for yourself means you cannot tolerate disrespect from anyone or abuse in a relationship.

Marriage comes with different stressors that test your resilience and patience. Failure to love yourself enough means it’s easy to feel lost during times of struggle. You get comfort knowing you adore yourself enough to be brave and conquer challenges in your marriage.

3. You’re Financially Stable

There are cases where you find a lady is ready for marriage, but the boyfriend is not. Some of these cases involve finances, as the boyfriend might not have attained the financial stability they believe is sufficient to take care of a family. Looking at your finances, are you ever ready for marriage? There are many perks you get from marriage if both of you are bringing income to the family. Before getting started, both of you need to evaluate your financial situation to know if it can sustain a marriage.

Money is a critical component of marriage that could make or break the relationship. Also, you don’t want to use marriage as a way to get rich as this could attract consequences later. Besides your wedding, the beginning of your marriage costs a lot – from kitchen equipment and furniture to a place to stay. Discuss finances with your partner to find common ground and understand how you can sustain the marriage if you decide to go ahead.

4. You Truly Love Your Partner

you truely love your partner

Love is among things you must confirm is present before you start thinking about how to get ready for a marriage proposal. You must love your partner for everything they are. Their personality is unique and different, so don’t attempt to change it when you get married. It’s something you need to accept and respect before you proceed with a marriage. It’s easy to tell about one’s character by looking at how they treat others. Know if they’re kind, and don’t ignore red flags that could blow up later in the marriage.

Looking at all things, you should ensure your partner is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Avoid falling for illusions of false expectations and face reality, which means asking yourself if you truly love that person.

5. Your Values Align

If you’re ready for marriage but your partner’s not, it could mean your values don’t align, which is a sign you should not go ahead with the plan. Having values that align makes your lives easier in the future. You need to be comfortable discussing taboo topics like sex, finance, and religion. Ladies ready for marriage should check that they’re comfortable discussing sensitive topics with their partners, as this will make it easier to know what to expect in the future. If there are clashes whenever some issues are brought up, it could mean you’ll endure stress in the marriage. People who share the same values protect their relationship from disappointment, clashes, and resentment. Values define people. It’s not something you can change overnight. They show the things you place much significance to.

Check Out: Home Proposal Tips and Ideas: How to Get Your S.O to Say Yes!’

 6.If you Trust Yourself Around Your Partner

Getting ready for marriage in a dream is easy as everything feels smooth, but before accepting to get married, ask yourself if you feel safe around your partner. This is like a situation where a friend brings life to the party, but everyone feels the void when they leave, and the event gets dull. If you’re considering getting married, you must address topics like whether you trust the person to give you what you need to feel loved and at peace.

You must have already touched on topics that could shake the stability of the relationship. If it feels necessary to hide your true self because you fear your partner would never accept or love you for that, then it could be you’re not dating the right person. Marriage is a long-term investment, and nobody deserves to suffer in silence or suppress some aspects about themselves.

7. You Overcome Conflict Together

Is anyone ever ready for marriage until they go through conflict with their partner? This comes as a learning moment where you get to understand how it feels to deal with conflict and moments of high pressure. Marriage is not always lovey-dovey as you will encounter moments where you will split apart for some time.

Forgiveness is one of the main dimensions of a stable marriage, so when you experience this while still dating, it could signify you can live together for many years to come. Couples must learn conflict resolution before entering into a marriage. Handling conflict successfully brings marital satisfaction.

ALSO, READ 12 Steps to Increase Your Self-Esteem

8.You Have Realistic Expectations

You’ll not find a perfect human if that’s what you want for marriage. If you have lived with your partner for some time, you might be aware of this. So, before getting married, understand that besides many happy times, you will encounter sad moments. It’s common to see people expect the perfect type of love they read in all the fairies, but this is unrealistic as you’re dealing with a real human being. Check the lingering doubts of marrying the person to understand the trade-offs. 

9.You’re Inspired to Succeed

Sometimes, it’s easy to feel you’ve found the perfect person, so all you need is to relax and enjoy life. However, feeling settled and not aiming to improve is something you should be aware of. Having the inspiration to reach greater heights comes from an inner calling. It means just because you finally found your true love; it should not mean you should neglect other things, like your job, purpose, or mental and physical health. These are things that should stay with you even after marriage. You should not let the relationship make you forget about your ability to stay hungry for success.

10.You Support Each Other’s Hobbies

If you never fancied fly fishing, but this is something your partner enjoys, you should support their passion and try learning a bit about it. You will discover many interesting things and probably also find happiness doing those things.

Conclusion

Marriage marks an important transition in one’s life, so it must be approached carefully as you expect to spend your life with your partner.  Finding the right person for marriage is not enough as you also need to evaluate yourself to know if you’re ready for marriage. Consider these things before you get married to improve your chances of success.

How do you handle conflicts in your relationship? Leave a comment below. 

Jade is a finance analyst and has been involved in many successful business projects with a range of companies throughout the country. She started writing 3 years ago and enjoys researching, discussing, and writing on the topics of finances, budgeting, money advice, lifestyle, and wellness. Jade loves to spend time with her family and has many hobbies, including hiking, riding a bike, cooking, and traveling.

ALSO, READ HOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF






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Marriage & Divorce

Why You Must Hire A Divorce Attorney

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Why You Must Hire A Divorce Attorney




 

Going through a divorce without legal help is like committing financial suicide. You might be thinking of going through your divorce on your own
and just using information that you can research online but that can do more harm than good. Though a DIY divorce may apply to certain situations,
it is still smarter to hire a divorce attorney to ensure that your best interests are taken into consideration. Keep reading for reasons why hiring a divorce
attorney could be one of your best divorce decisions.

You Want to Eliminate Mistakes

“The legal system is complicated enough to navigate for those who have a legal degree, so navigating it from a layman’s perspective is like trying to pilot a plane without even knowing how to ride a bike”, says Michael Porter of Haywood Hunt & Associates Inc.

Legal jargon can be very challenging. It can take just one word for you to completely misunderstand something (like a debt or medical issue) or overestimate/underestimate the value of an asset. This is the last thing you want. Why? Because mistakes like this can cause your financial ruin or may need to be corrected with more legal proceedings in the future. An attorney can ensure that your case is being handled properly and that you will not be making decisions that you will regret for years to come.

You Will Benefit from Legal Advice

A divorce attorney can ensure that you get what you deserve during a divorce. This is important because state laws do not always support an even split of a couple’s assets. There are cases where a spouse is entitled to a spouse’s future income and/or retirement. By hiring an attorney, you ensure that complicated issues such as debts, child custody, current assets, future assets, and child support are legally addressed.

You Want to Minimize Stress

Divorce is a highly stressful time. Not only will it be addressing the end of your marriage, but might also bring up painful experiences from the past. A divorce attorney will provide objective help in gathering information, presenting information, and representing your interests. This will give you more time to process your feelings and take care of yourself and your family.

Keep in mind that a divorce will be a very painful time and the last thing youneed is to have to take on legal work. That is what an attorney is for.

You Don’t Want Delays

Completing all the paperwork needed for a divorce plus gathering information and documenting everything isn’t an easy task. Yes, there are court provided documents but that is just a small percentage of what you actually need. Aside from paperwork, there are other legal issues that can prolong a divorce or halt the progress into a crawl. An experienced divorce attorney knows how to avoid problems like the above and get things done as fast as possible.

You Want A Clear Divorce

A divorce is a legal agreement and is legally binding. You want everything in your divorce to be as clear as possible and that each point that needs to be
addressed are taken care of. A divorce attorney will ensure that your wishes are accurately presented and that you understand everything that goes into
the divorce. This way, the divorce would be free from unclear language or errors.

ALSO, READ TOP 5 MONEY ISSUES THAT COULD  DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP






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