Last Updated on July 10, 2022 by Joshua Isibor
It seems like in the world today, marriage is being viewed as the hardest thing one can embark. And it is all because of how we tried to avoid the hidden truths about marriage. In my recent work on this, I conducted some research and I found out that, out of 100 percent of people on this planet, 75 percent don’t really know what they are likely to face in marriage, especially young people.
Some of us view marriage as the same thing as ‘dating with little differentiation of “it is a lifetime journey.”
This is where the problem lies and some don’t even care to find out. We have been watching the ways our parents handle their marriages and to us, this is the same thing we are going to face without even looking into them to see why they happen and what to do if they occur.
On the other hand, it seems like, nobody wants to hear the hard Truths of what they are entering cause we all are blinded by these perfect marriages and perfect lives flying every day in our minds. And the worst part of it, is the ‘social media marriage’.
The beautiful pictures, the love shared between couples, the expensive vacations at exotic places, the gifts, the beautiful kids, and various display of public affection that paints a perfect family life which can make you dream of rushing into marriage with the next person without even thinking the norms and pros of marriage.
But come to think of it, have you ever asked yourself why some of those marriages don’t last? Why those beautiful moments vanished in a twinkle of an eye? Why there are lot of divorces and broken marriages? Why singles are rushing in and couples are rushing out?
There are unavoidable questions you need to ask before you say ‘yes, I do’.
- First, what are your biggest fears in this relationship?
- what are the hidden truths about this commitment?
- What does God said about this union?
- Do you have the right mindset?
- Are you ready for the ups and downs? The beautiful moments and the worse moments? The compromises, and lot more?
- When they hit hard on you, what are you going to do?
- What if we don’t agree on the same thing, what should you do?
- How are you viewing this marriage?
- How compatible are you with your partner?
- Your strength, weakness? And a lot more?
My pastor always say, “Don’t go into what you don’t know rather seek counsel and embrace the truth.”
There is different between knowing the truth of what you are about to do and accepting them.
For instance: you know that in marriage, you are going to compromise and adjust some certain things about you but when it happens, you see yourself refusing to do so. That means, you know it is likely to happen but you are not ready to make amends.
In this case, it is going to be hard for you to deal with whatever comes with it. This can bring a lot of problems in your marriage. But the truth is, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, they are always there staring at you.
Here, I will be telling you the hidden secrets in marriage.
THE HIDDEN SECRETS IN MARRIAGE
1.Marriage doesn’t guarantee unconditional love.
What do I mean by that? We want to be love without attaching condition, limitations, reservation or qualifications, like the way Christ loves us.
Unfortunately, it hurts us when we are not getting the same love from our spouse or being taken for granted. You need to prepare that your spouse might wake up one day and start hating you or start acting strange without you doing anything to them.
And when this happens, what are you going to do? In this case, initiating a heart-to-heart talk should work best if you want to figure out what you are not getting right. Try to initiate conversation rather than acting as if you are not bothered.
Just know that you can’t get 100 percent love as you want from your spouse. You can work on them but don’t expect much. Marriage should be based on love and support especially in the time of difficulty not leaving when the journey gets tougher. It is a journey that requires patience and full support from both of you.
2.Marriage is not an escape route.
Some married couples have been trapped in this situation because of their wrong views about marriage.
It is not where you rush in to test because others have tested or because you want to belong in the moving train. Peer pressure, parents, society, your financial burdens, family responsibility, loneliness shouldn’t determine when and how to get married.
You need to make up your mind first and know it is not a stable ground to stand forever. Earth quake will happen but we determine how it will happen and what it will break.
Yes! I know you want to get married cause others are having their weddings every Saturday or you can’t wait to grab a wealthy spouse to shove all your family problems onto. But that should not be the main thing cause sometimes, we don’t really get all the full package that comes with it(I mean your expectations might not be meet). It might not look as exactly as how you planned it and it becomes more difficult to deal with.
Don’t let all this flashing expectations be the reasons you are sacrificing all your happiness to get. It doesn’t stop there, it moves faster than you won’t be able to catch up. Take your time and know what you are entering and be fully prepared to face it.
3.Being In Love Is Not Enough
Dr. Chapman said, “being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage”.
There are more to just being in love. Have you noticed whenever you ask someone why they are getting married and the first thing they will say is “ because we love each other”. And maybe, after two to three years, you will notice a lot of changes.
This happens because the average life span of love is two years as research showed. But some might take longer while some might be shorter.
That is why you see a lot of married couples divorcing not because they don’t love each other anymore but they neglected those things that fuel love. They stopped at the first stage of love which is the euphoria feeling that comes with the chill bumps, that sense of acceptance, the excitement of being together, the bubbling emotions, the I-can’t-live- without-you and love obsession.
Some feel like they were tricked into marrying their partners. No! Nobody cheated you into it and you weren’t blinded by love just that you neglected the main thing which is work. Love requires work which keeps the emotions alive.
Emotions change and love sometimes, fades but that doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. Just that, the way you feel at first has changed. And you need to work on it and fill those potholes that are causing all the havoc in your marriage.
4.It Is Beyond Physical Appearance.
I know you want to get married to prince charming or princess Cinderella but all these are not the main things we need in our relationship.
Yes, I didn’t say you should go for what you don’t like but haven’t you noticed that sometimes, what we want is entirely different from what we get? You might love a tall dark partner, with this perfect body and naturally, you start loving the opposite of those in another person. Maybe, the short fair complexion person has everything you need but doesn’t give you the outer appearance you want.
Don’t let that be the reason you are tying the knots. You can’t afford to trade your happiness for what you will regret or run off from.
Sometimes, you see couples getting married because they think they can make beautiful kids or happy home but on the long run, it becomes so weary cause their expectations are not met.
There are more to attraction than what life can give. What will happen when those attractions fade or your perception of attractiveness changes, what will you do?
They are beautiful ones out there, better than your partner. Will you go for them huh?
It won’t be easy to deal with but love, faith and work especially work cause sometimes love fades as we think so but it depends on your own definition of love. Love is beyond this worldly love that can be created any time. Let God’s love be the drive in your marriage.
5.Marriage requires work/commitment.
If you want to have a good and lasting marriage, you have to put in much effort to make it work out for both of you. It is not a one man thing; it requires two people to keep it moving.
If Adam could have done it well, God wouldn’t have bothered to create Eve, as his helper. God knows that he wasn’t completed and He gave him eve as a helper to lessen the work but now, some people tends to put pressure on others all in the name of being the head of the house. Turning the other one into what they want and forgetting it should be fair and free relationship.
ALSO, READ 41 Keys to a successful marriage
6.There is ‘no’ Normal marriage.
The earlier you know this, the better for you. Marriage has seasons. There is no normal marriage, you only make it to what you want.
Don’t compare your marriage with others. Every relationship comes with different set of experience, feelings, personality or traits.
Essentially, it is impossible to look at one’s marriage and say, it is normal or not. You can’t let your marriage based on the normal attributes we have given it. Like: the normal arguments, the normal lose of romantic Sparks, the wish of being this or that.
This ‘normalcy’ symptoms can ruin your marriage. It makes you keep taking things the way they are cause you think it should be that way. It is entirely your responsibility to manage your home, family and know that, you can have the perfect marriage you want( at least, 60% of it).
7.It is full of compromises.
Compromise is the long bridge you need to cross in your marriage.
“It is the settlement of difference by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concession.” It should be based on mutual agreement not what one is losing.
It is not about giving up your individuality but adjusting them to fit in with your partner’s perceptive. It should be where both of you are happy for the outcome, not where the other person is losing while the other is gaining.
“it is a sign that your relationship is more important to you than your ego. “Anon.
Sometimes, it is not easy to compromise but know that, this is the part that helps to build a stronger relationship.
What you are not ready to do, don’t try to force the other person into it.
You lead by example and your partner follows. Trying to change someone because you don’t like this or that. It is totally wrong in a relationship and this can bring a halt in your marriage.
However, just know when you are the one sacrificing or surrendering. Compromise is not a sacrifice for the benefit of others but for the both.
8.It is not about you anymore, you are now two.
You do things together and look for a where to settle fights cause the longer it stays, the longer your partner learns to adjust to it and one day, she will wake up challenging your words and authority.
9.Communication is the key point.
Learn to talk, when you are angry, tell her. If she is wrong tell her, and if she complains about yours, listen. It is better to say it out than to let it be in your heart and be waiting for the right time to unleash them.
It might not come out right, and it would end up destroying the peace you have built over the years. When your partner offends you, try as much as possible to let them know or call to their attention over what they have done but in a calm ways. Don’t flare up! Just apply wisdom and settle it amicably.
10.You can’t focus on every friendship.
This is true, you can’t keep everyone as friends anymore, you have your family to deal with. They are some friends you need to let go in your life for the sake of your marriage. Not every Friend counts and you must be careful to know who you talk about your relationship or bring into your home. Some are there to destroy.
11.Hating your partner might set in
Sometimes, this is about to happen. You might feel irritated seeing your partner and sometimes, we don’t actually know when it happens. A little mistake your partner does, makes you angry, and you may end up shouting at them. It is better to note out these things when it happens or notice them. It will prepare you ahead on how to handle them in your marriage.
12.Attraction outside your home.
The more you know this, the more you know peace. Listen, they are prettier and beautiful people in this world, and they will always be cause good things don’t exist to come.
Attraction outside marriage would occur but It would be better you stick to your partner and don’t go around looking for another man or woman out there because you don’t find your partner attractive anymore. No matter how you try to justify the situation, it would never end there and this be lead to family issues which you won’t like to have.
13.Comparison in marriage
If you want to have a good relationship with your partner, please don’t compare them with anyone. This kills slowly and one day, your partner might wake up and end it with you.
Some marriages have been broken because of comparison. You can’t keep reminding your partner or comparing them to other people because you feel they are not catching up with what we expected.
Being supportive at this time, is what your partner needs not all this sermon of having this or that which doesn’t really matter at the meantime-even if it doesn’t, it should come at the right time or work towards it together.
They are people that entered into marriage because of what they would gain. And when that doesn’t happen, they ended up blaming their partners over their own failures.
Marriage is not a solution grounds on where miracles occur. You decide your own miracles and how to get them.
Marriage doesn’t guarantee success, wealth or all you want. It should be build with love, patience and so many of it. Don’t come with a mindset of solving all your problems, you would be left with disappointment.
Marriage is spiritual. Ordained by God for two souls to be together as one. God doesn’t joke with the vows we make on the altar. You are dealing with spiritual entity which comes with different spiritual characters, thought etc.
That is why it is good to know your partner family background before joining hands with them. There are some families that have this ancestral calling or deities that disturb or so.
Ask questions, pray over your partner and ask God to reveal a lot to you. You can’t let love be the utmost now or drive you into what you will regret later. Marriage is powerful and not a child’s play.
Marriage is really simple just that the pictures we have painted are different from the main painter’s mind.
We are coming as two people with different characters, perception, lifestyles, background, etc. And we are trying to adjust, compromise and adapt will each other to make it work out.
The truth is, if you are not ready to adjust or make this work, you won’t get the best things you want in a marriage. No marriage is perfect but we can still reach the point we always dream of. The hidden truths should not be ignored at all but welcome as one of the best things we would embrace in our lives.
Our partners should be our friends and our family/relationship would be better than all these bad vibes we are getting in this present time.
I wish you well in your marriage.
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