How to fix a codependent relationship is an important question. However, it’s not as important as truly understanding what it means to be codependent.
To properly be able to fix a codependent relationship, you must first know if the relationship is codependent or it’s just love.
How about we understand the meaning of a codependent relationship?
What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?
Codependency or being codependent in a relationship happens when you are so into what your partner does that you eventually lose yourself in the process.
Oftentimes, codependency occurs when you are with someone who has some kind of addiction or a psychological disorder. This could include alcohol, sex, drugs, food, video games, shopping, or even the internet.
What your partner is addicted to doesn’t really matter. What’s really important is that it takes your partner away from you. The addiction makes them focus only on themselves.
Personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and others are usually the kind of psychological problems that magnets or produce partners with codependency.
It is usually very confusing when trying to decipher between codependency and love. People think that if we love someone, we put the person’s needs before ours; thus, making their happiness our priority.
You’ve heard of the saying that love is sacrifice and not selfish. Just like in the case of parents, their children’s needs have to always come before theirs.
They are not going to let their babies cry for long hours from hunger at midnight middle simply because they are tired and sleepy. Being responsible as a parent is part of what it means to love their children unconditionally.
However, this shouldn’t apply to adult love relationships. Because, when you always put your partner first in your relationships, even at the expense of your own health or well-being, you may be CODEPENDENT.
More on Codependency….
How do people become codependent?
Codependency is not an inbuilt trait; it’s a learned behavior. Naturally, we watch the actions of our parents when we are children. If either our mother or father showed any of traits such as
- Had a problem with boundaries
- Was always the martyr
- Could never say ‘no’ to people
- Had unhealthy ways to communicate…..
Unconsciously, we may have learned these behaviors. And sadly, we may have brought them into our intimate relationships.
Examples of these are children who were raised by emotionally unavailable parents. Since they are at risk for being codependent.
When they become adults, they most times find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable. Yet, they do not leave with the hopes that they can change their partners.
No matter how extreme things become, they won’t stop hoping that there will come a day when things will be good.
This subconscious hopes that the other person will see all the love given. Thereby be inspired to change. There is this belief that if they don’t give up and give their love, understanding, and support, they will finally get the love they deserve.
This thinking, however, is very vain and destructive. It is especially dangerous if the partner is physically or emotionally abusive behavior kind.
It is most destructive when we do not realize what is going on. And just continue to live in a loveless relationship because they have never learned what a real relationship is.
Codependent people never believe that they are worthy of love, so they often settle for less. So, they often find themselves taking all sort of abuse even sexual abuse from their partner.
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People who are codependent do not derive happiness from inward things. But often look for things outside of themselves to derive joy. They form really unhealthy relationships; because they want to ‘fix the other person.
For a person with codependent tendencies, he or she may be in an intimate relationship with someone who has addiction issues which makes them emotionally unavailable.
Why codependency and Addiction are Always Found Together; Just how are these two behaviors related?
Whenever there is a case of codependency, addiction is a subject or attribute that is oftentimes in view. The relationship between codependency and addiction is a re-occurring type.
In most cases where one partner is codependent, the other is usually having an addiction problem.
One of the issues with a codependent relationship is that you may be the reason your partner’s addiction is getting worse. In the attempt to help your partner by showing your love, you may discourage him or her from getting the necessary treatment to get sober.
Some example of this instance includes
- You justify your spouse’s drinking. Just by giving the excuse that he has had a stressful day or needs to relax.
- You make excuses for your partner when they can’t come to social functions. Which may just be because he/she is under the influence of heroin?
- You still let him/her borrow your prescription opioids whenever he complains of minor discomfort. Even though you’re aware and worried about his growing dependence on such medication.
- You quietly take on extra responsibilities around the house. Doing your partner’s chores just because they are under the influence.
- You are frequently found apologizing to others or doing favors to repair relationships damaged by your partner’s drug, alcohol abuse, or mental illness.
On a serious note, addiction affects sensible judgment and even critical thinking skills. Making it very difficult for someone with an abuse disorder to realize they need help.
When you go out of your way to prevent your partner from experiencing the consequences of substance abuse, it is very possible they will acknowledge that they have a problem.
Loving someone with an abuse issue can also cause your codependent tendencies to erupt. When your partner is misbehaving due to substance abuse, it’s easy to resort to using codependent behavior.
This simply because of your fight to maintain a sense of control over the chaotic surrounding, you have lost yourself.
The next stage in this article is to check if you are codependent.
Are you codependent? How to know the answer to this question is to take a look at you.
Below are some statements; if you agree with them, you may be codependent.
- You seem to love people that are pitiable and need rescue.
- You feel responsible for the actions of others even if you were not directly involved with it.
- You do more than your share in the relationship.
- You have the fear of abandonment or being alone.
- You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness.
- You have lost your self-worth thus, only depend on other’s appraisal.
- You have difficulty adjusting to change.
- It is difficult for you to make decisions and often doubt yourself.
- You are reluctant to trust others.
- Your moods are controlled by the thoughts and feelings of those around you.
Is Your Relationship Codependent?
Although Codependency is of different types, in a case when you are unable to define the situation try to answer these questions.
- Are you always covering up for your partner so that they won’t get punished for their wrong deeds?
- Are you making excuses for your partner’s behaviors?
- Do you deny the fact that your partner has an abuse issue or is mentally unstable?
- Do you know of your partner’s illness but are you scared of asking him/her to get help just because you don’t want them to get mad or leave you?
- When conflict arises in your relationship and your partner becomes abusive. Do you take the blame for their verbal, physical or emotional abusive?
- Are you literally and figuratively cleaning up after your partner’s mess?
- Are you very self-conscious in action and speech so you won’t upset your partner?
- Are you always worrying about your partner? And thinking about what they are doing but scared to ask? Or even going as extreme as snooping to find out?
- Are you unable to function and constantly obsessing over your relationship when your relationship is having issues?
- Is your partner’s needs always first for consideration?
- Are you struggling to set boundaries with your partner?
- Are you obsessed with your relationship?
- Is your relationship the major aspect of your life?
- Are you struggling with growth in your relationship?
How to fix a codependent relationship
Now that we have fully established what a codependent relationship is, how to recognize it, and how to differentiate it from love, it is time to see what control measures are available.
Codependency is not a condition that cannot be helped. It is learned!! thus, can be unlearned. If you truly love that person and you want to keep them, you need to help yourself heal first.
1. Be Ready To Fix It!
To fix a codependent relationship, you MUST first choose to stop. This is a decision you must make to enable you actually take steps. It may prove to be harder than you initially thought it would be, but it’s a challenge you must overcome. Decision-making is very crucial to any set goal in life.
2. Build Your Self Esteem
To stop being codependent in your relationship, you must build your self-esteem. Start taking your confidence level importantly.
Stop neglecting your self-worth. Be mindful of the way that you regard yourself either verbally or otherwise. Let positivity rule out negativity.
Love yourself and focus more on your strengths rather than weakness. When failures occur, see them as opportunities for learning and growth. Immediately, learn to stop blaming yourself for your partner’s shortcomings.
3. Let The Mountains Fall!
For the love of everything wonderful! Please, allow the consequences to happen. If your partner has shortcomings, allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions.
What we do not understand is that sometimes, one-way addicts get better is by hitting “rock bottom.” And if you are always covering up for them, this would not happen.
Oftentimes, when we allow them to face these consequences, guilt creeps inside of us. You feel like a terrible person but the truth is this; you are not!
This is because the alternative you have is to continue to indulge them and block the lessons that your partner desperately needs to learn to effect change in them.
4. Say “No” Being A Codependent Enabler
A codependent enabler is someone who does not know his/her boundaries. You have to understand that the word “NO.” is a complete sentence.
Understand your limits and don’t cross them for any reason; not even in the name of love. You do this by scanning your own body for your feelings.
Understand what makes you feel uncomfortable and without guilt, permit yourself to stop regardless of how your partner feels about it. Prioritize your own feelings of comfort instead of your partners.
A way to truly love you is by setting healthy boundaries. Stop expecting your partner to know when your limit. Don’t assume they know, say a big “No” and mean it.
5. Reach Out!!
This is a very important one. Realize you need help and ask for it. Don’t assume there is no help because there is loads of it out there.
Knowing that there are a lot of people of their facing the same challenge is a vital tool. It helps you feel less isolated, connect better with the healing process.
Check out books on codependency and read them. Therapy or counseling is also an option you can explore.
Wrapping up, I hope this article has been insightful and educating to you. If you are in a codependent relationship, you need to properly understand the situation you are in and also take healthy steps to fix it.
You can start by being thoroughly honest with yourself and your partner, stop taking things too personally, and above all understand that SELF-CARE IS NEVER SELFISH.
5 Best Ways to Attract a Russian Guy
Chivalry is very rare in this modern era. Any woman today has had experienced being catcalled or yelled “nice behind” almost anywhere they go. To say that it has become sad is an enormous understatement.
However, this isn’t the case in Russia. Men in Russia are still as courteous as ever. Offering one’s seat in a public transportation system or even opening a door didn’t die with time.
Russian men will be a perfect fit if you wish to end up with a real gentleman. If you want to make them fall for you, below are the surefire ways to attract a Russian guy.
Shared Qualities of Men in Russia
But first, let’s talk about some qualities Russian men share and the values they still regard even in this modern time.
Men in Russia have always had a strong respect for women and the elderly. They show concern to them and assist them with whatever they need. Gestures like opening the door or helping get down a bus are seemingly simple acts in Russia but are grand for most Westerners.
While others misconstrue this attitude of Russian men as an act of sexism, they think otherwise. Men’s courteousness towards women and the elderly results from their concern and kindness — nothing else. This attitude of Russian guys is easily traceable to the way men in the past treated ladies.
Unlike before, Russian men are more sensitive to women’s choices and opinions. They now listen to women’s voices. The technological advances or modernity of the world didn’t affect their perception of chivalry.
2. Protective and confident
Russian guys are innately protective because of their sad history. They carried this quality until today because their women counterparts still expect them to be their protectors.
Russian women also need them to take the lead in the relationship. They want to end up with a confident man who can make them feel safe and make sound decisions for the family.
Russian men like to think about things beyond the grasp of understanding. While Western men like making casual talks to strangers in public, Russian guys don’t.Men in Russia do not see the value in casual talk as they prefer to talk about real-life matters. They like to dive into meaningful conversations.
5 Best Ways to Attract a Russian Guy
Now that we have that figured out, let us go ahead and talk about the compelling ways to make a Russian guy fall for you.
1. Learn how to cook
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
The saying is true, at least for Russian guys. Russian men’s idea of love is when their partner serves them dinner. While this may hurt any feminist’s pride, this is an undeniable truth for most Russians.
Men in the country love a woman who will prepare their favorite food, even when it isn’t tasty. However, if this isn’t your love language, perhaps a guy in Russia isn’t for you.
2. Be feminine
Women from other countries want to do things their way — and there isn’t anything wrong with that. But, Russian men prefer to take the lead in a relationship. They like a woman who will trust that they can protect them, in general.
As such, to attract your Russian date, assure them that you need them in your life. Let them know that you feel safe when they are around.
3. Challenge him
Russian guys may like to be the more assertive ones in the relationship, but it doesn’t mean they always win. This is often something they look for in a partner — someone who’ll spice up the conversation or challenge them now and again.
Men in the country are highly opinionated people, and they would love for a woman to speak their minds. Telling him off when he’s aggressive or poking fun at him can also help lower his ego.
4. Laugh at his jokes
Russian men generally love a good laugh. Throwing out funny punchlines at friends at social gatherings is innate for them. It is a typical scene at any party, and for them, it’s an excellent way to strengthen any relationship.
So, show your amusement when your Russian date throws a joke. But beware — a Russian guy’s humor may be a little dark. They often throw jokes about death.
If you wish your laugh to be more genuine, study your Russian date’s culture and history. Often, your date’s jokes may also be about Russian movies or political scenarios.
5. Love his family
Anyone that understands Russia knows how much they value family. They are the most important thing for most locals in the country.
As your date, nothing will make a Russian guy appreciate you and your presence if they see you bond with his family. He’ll love your effort even more if you respect his family, even when they are hostile towards you — in case they are.
Cherish your interethnic relationship!
To find a loving and courteous man in today’s era has become more of a challenge.
Since you already know about Russian men, be sure not to settle for anything less. Look for your modern Ivan Tsarevich and wait patiently in the process. Once you finally find him, cherish him deeply.
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How To Improve Your Relationship? (Top Tips)
Having a relationship is tough. Taking care of your relationship is even more difficult. You need to make sure that your relationship is going smooth so that it can last longer even a lifetime. Many people face problems in their relationship and this is normal. Life is not smooth.
We face many different situations in our daily life and our relationships are no exception. Your relation with any person depends on whether you both share a similar nature or not. If the person you are dealing with has a very different nature than yours then your relationship will suffer a lot. But life is all about compromises and you can compromise with your relationship as well. Here I am going to share 5 tips that will help you improve your relationship with anyone.
1. Be Neutral with your relationships
Don’t close your mind when it comes to having a relationship with someone. An ideal romantic relationship is one in which you don’t have a mental block with the person you love. You need to make sure that you understand what your partner needs or wants. Listen to them. Consider things that your partner says and take note of that thing.
If you keep your mind blocked on specific things then you are going to face a lot of problems in your relationship as you will not understand what your partner requires from you.
2. Understand their feelings
Whether it’s a relationship with your wife, your kids, your parents, or even your co-workers you need to know what they feel about you. Make sure that you never hurt someone’s feelings just because you think it is the right thing to do. Everyone has emotions and you need to make sure that those emotions are understood by you.
By understanding the emotions of others you are bound to be having a successful relationship. Understand what the other person wants to convey and then speak anything.
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3. Control your temper
One of the worst things that can destroy a relationship is your temper. Have your anger under control and your relationship will survive, One of the reasons many relationships fail is because people become too aggressive.
They know that the person they have a relationship with will listen to them whether they are angry or not. This is because relationships are complex. People get habitual to the temper of their partners because they have feelings for them.
People can do anything for their partners and they are also ready to deal with their partner’s anger as they have feelings for them. But you need to make sure that you don’t get angry with kids, your wife, or your family no matter what if you want a healthy relationship.
4. Keep your work and personal life separate
Make sure that when you come back home from your office, you keep your office life at your work and your personal life separate. If you involve your work life with your personal life then your relationships are going to suffer. Work is stressful in many cases. We deal with a lot of people in our work on a daily basis.
We will face a lot of people who are going to temper our mental level and if we have that same temper level when we come home then the people at home will suffer as well.
5. Give time to people you love
You need to know how to love. Give time to people you love. If you don’t give time to people you love then your relationships will fall down. Your partner, your parents, or your children need your time.
If you don’t give time to them they will think that you are not part of their life and they make start to drift away from your life slowly. These small things may look ignorable but in a long run, they will have a large impact on your relations.
Make sure you keep note of these 5 things and your relationship will be improved for good. Make sure that your ego doesn’t come forward with the person you love and have affection for.
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How To Secure Your Relationship (Proven Ways)
In this life, no one wants their relationship to fail. securing your relationship is a question of how much effort you are willing to put into the relationship.
But before we go into these tips why not ask these questions and do a quick self-check to be sure of why these tips are important.
Important questions to answer before learning how to secure your relationship
- Are you worried that your spouse will find a better person?
- How far are you willing to go for the relationship?
- What are your desired end results for the relationship?
- What lengths are you willing to go to secure the relationship?
- Are you feeling anxious in your relationship especially when you are with your partner?
- Are you a little too clingy even to the point of pestering?
- Are you in love or desperate?
- Are you too insecure?
- Are obsessed with your partner?
- Are you possessive?
- Do you “over-check” on your partner?
- Is your partner trying to evade your attention?
- Do you downgrade your value in your relationship?
- Are you quick to pick fights?
- Do you feel threatened by third parties, even when there is no cause for doubt?
- Do you require constant reassurance from your partner?
When you have answered the above questions, then you can look at the tips we came up with after thorough research to help you in this journey. They will guide you in making your relationship remain faithful and secure.
Don’t leave us behind in this journey you can contact us for counseling and advice. Let us hold your hands in this walk. We are here for you
12 Way To Secure Your Relationship
1. Ensure The Communication Lines Are Always Open
If you are having issues in your relationship, talk about it. However, if it’s hard talking about it, then solving the issue will be even more difficult. So when the awkward moment occurs, learn to talk about it and that leads to coming to a compromise and eventually solving the problem.
2. Always Do A Rain Check On Your Relationship.
This is because you want to ensure everything is working well. Doing rain checks prevents loopholes because you detect the faults soon enough. How to do this is by asking a strategic question like asking for honest feedback from your partner.
3. Find Balance In Your Relationship.
Learn to balance things up in your relationship. To properly secure your relationship, you must balance things up in your life. A healthy amount of intimacy and not bad, a right amount of attention is clinginess and a right amount of space is not neglect. If you find this hard, seek counseling. You can contact our counseling TEAM
4. Know When You Are Being Insecure And Work On It.
Anxiety is one of the major causes of unpleasant and distressing feelings in relationships. And because we are humans our natural reaction will be wanting to “get rid” of them. This is why they eventually become clingy and over-checking on his/her.
Even if you do feel insecure you should not always act on it but work on it. So you don’t mess up the beautiful things you have going on. The truth remains that everyone on earth feels insecure at one time or the other but what we do with that feeling is what matters.
ALSO, READ ROMANTIC MESSAGES FOR HER OR HIM
5. Understand Your Level Of Independence.
In therapy, most people will say they are fine and do not need people. And this is one of the reasons why people stay in miserable relationships for a very long time. Or even date people who are not good for them knowing full well they are headed for doom.
If you are having issues that you are unable to solve or finding it hard to make a decision, seek therapy. It’s not just for “big problems”. If you require any form of assistance in your relationship, it will be best you seek a professional rather than a telling a friend.
6. Do Not Show Insecurities. It Makes You Weak.
In learning how to secure your relationship, you must be very careful in how you deal with it. When you are feeling insecure, and you show anxiety, it sends the wrong signal to your partner.
Your partner feels you’re telling them that they are bigger, better, and more important in the relationship. You are simply saying that you have no value and that your partner calls the shots. Getting scared of losing your partner is normal and quite common. But don’t be too engrossed in the relationship that you lose yourself. Remember you are just as important as your partner and you always have a choice.
7. If You Are Always Thinking Of Cheating, Seek Counseling Or Therapy.
I know sometimes, you may feel like telling a friend or a close relative. That is not bad at all but you must understand that these are not professional. And what you need at that moment is not sentimental comforting but professional help.
You need help because, though you love your partner, you can’t help thinking about cheating. What you think about overtime becomes reality. So, before this becomes a reality, you must curb it and secure your relationship.
8. Never Be Alone With An Ex-Lover.
Whether you were attracted to them or not, or what you had ended on a bad note. You should never be found alone with them. If you loved them or something happened between you two before it’s possible for something to happen now
9. Don’t Be Found Around Who Are Being Unfaithful.
“Evil communication corrupts good manners” is as true as it gets. When you hang around people that cheat it’s very possible for you to cheat and see nothing wrong with it. Your partner may not trust you if you keep friends who cheat on their partners. Even if you are not encouraging them in the act, “best of same feathers flock together.”
10. Always Reassure Your Partner Of Your Love.
Tell them you love them often. Don’t be stingy with sweet reassuring words if you really want to secure your relationship. Sometimes, look into his/her eyes and tell them you will choose them over and over again in any situation. When you feel you’ve lost touch with their feelings, tell them you miss them and you want them back. In all cases, words are powerful and this is why even the most beautiful woman still wants her man to tell her she is pretty. She knows how beautiful she is, she just wants to hear it.
11. Make Plans For Intimacy Time.
When it’s time for romance please put in detail. Don’t get too familiar with your partner when it comes to intimacy. If you become too familiar, your romantic sex life becomes boring.
When going on a date no matter how casual, dress for the occasion. Ladies, please put on lipstick at least, it’s a date after all. Keep the magic alive.
12. Don’t Compare Your Relationship With Others.
Social media has ruined a lot of relationships because we fail to understand that those people are just doing showbiz. It’s all show business. a large percentage of them are just acting because they want you to like them. I mean who adores a couple that is always fighting? Social media is no what it seems, all is rosy there but it’s thorny in reality. So, why will you compare your relationship to theirs? Instead, just work on getting better in yours and grow intentionally.
One of the tools of not losing people is value. If you offer people value, they will not want to let you go. If your partner knows there is a void you are filling in their life, and they feel special with you, it will be hard to lose them.
It’s true that every partnership takes effort. Just how much of that effort you are willing to put in makes the difference and it should be a collective effort, not just you.
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